I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?
Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.
Friend: I’m glad I have more time to spend with those I love
Me: same I spent the morning with Dyson so I could spend the rest of the day with Jack
Friend: those aren’t your kids’ names
Me, drunk in my clean house: I don’t understand your point
fog is just god’s snapchat filter
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.