Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*
“Please continue to hold…”
Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
[Invention of the milk shake]
Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster
I’m going green for the holidays.
This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice