@ShutUpThatsWho

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

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@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@UnFitz

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

@Barknado69

Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

@PleaseBeGneiss

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

@Sassafrantz

[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the milk shake]

Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster

@MaiPareshaan

This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.

@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice