[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”