[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Cat is stressing him out.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.