[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
lol
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.