Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Tough love is true love
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*