Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed