Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Well, this explains it:
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.