Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Something Saturday.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me