Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms