Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
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[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.