Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

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pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.



ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge


ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape


I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.


I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”


Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder


I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call


Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense


My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting


You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.


My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.