Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.