Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.