Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”