Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
this could fix me
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.