*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.