My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
hey, alexa
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.