@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

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@PeteOtway

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

@ericsshadow

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

@kellysdf

I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.

@jellybnbonanza

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

@Zaufo

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

@andylassner

iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.

@robdelaney

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.