Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair?