@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

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@Fickle_Filly

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

@bridger_w

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

@dance_blessed

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@RickAaron

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

@Mardigroan

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

@Michael_Erhart

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

@Dawn_M_

Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair?

Hi!