@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

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@76coop

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

@I_am_carbs

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

@lovejulieayn

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

@MandiAtRandom

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@PopSlapFunk

Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.

@Awesomemom10

Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi

@ddsmidt

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

@briangaar

“Congratulations, the baby’s got green overalls!” Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.

@Overdue_Bills

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.