Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Oh my God.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.