@OutOfLeftField_

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

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@Parkerlawyer

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

@3sunzzz

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

@generaldietz

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

@juliussharpe

I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.

@nappydolemite

This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.

@AndrewChamings

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

@HatfieldAnne

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.