Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

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Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”


One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.


Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”


Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.


My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer


I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.


[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work