Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
HOW DARE YOU
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?