Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Customize Your Wedding.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]