Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
😂😂😂
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.