I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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the council will decide your fate
When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.
*gets arrested for trespassing
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.