*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
respect
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*