Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
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.
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.