Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.