There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna