@TheOldFolksHome

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

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@Beardson

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

@Bob_Heller

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

@EndhooS

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

@adamzopf

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

@FrankCurtisB

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna