[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*