Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Said the murderer.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*