You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
A fun thing to do while locking yourself in your house is to practice your knife throwing skills. Tomorrow it can be practicing your drywall repair skills.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
WAP on, WAP off