@MarfSalvador

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

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@iGreenGod

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

@pinupteacher

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.

@KentWGraham

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

@Eightinchgoat

A fun thing to do while locking yourself in your house is to practice your knife throwing skills. Tomorrow it can be practicing your drywall repair skills.

@FredTaming

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going