@WhaJoTalkinBout

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

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@Mardigroan

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

@CynicalCanuck

Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

@Mr_Kapowski

– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?

@lilgapeach30

If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you?” is a bad answer, apparently.

@BCMontgo

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

@TheMichaelRock

Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.

@michelleDbelle

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

@professorkiosk

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

@SteveSuckington

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”