Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

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I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.


Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.


– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?


If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you?” is a bad answer, apparently.


Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.


Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.


My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️


*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.


[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”