Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.