Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
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[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
When I say that I鈥檓 on low battery and can鈥檛 talk, rest assured I鈥檓 never talking about my phone.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can鈥檛 parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescaf茅 just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Jewel: 馃幖 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you鈥檙e ahead
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old鈥檚 toys because he hadn鈥檛 touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn鈥檛 live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he鈥檚 inherited my break up angst.
[During sex]
Me: * 刷岫︶祶拾拾拾*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
based al yankovic
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you鈥檙e still young and fit to climb in and out!