Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.