@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

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@shutupmikeginn

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

@RodLacroix

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

@carlyken

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

@ItsDanSheehan

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

@caithuls

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

@FrazzleMyGimp

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

@ceejoyner

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

@girlnarly

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls