Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂

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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.


Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.


Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.


Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton


Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.


[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless


[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.


Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.


if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?