This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My boss called in sick of me
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?