Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Need this in my life lol