“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
โAboot a half kilometer up the road.โ
โThank you.โ
โJust past the Timโs on your left.โ
โMuch appreciated.โ
โMy pleasure, eh.โ
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and Iโve never not worked so hard in my life
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
everyone (crying, begging): pleaseโฆyou cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: Iโm going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. Itโs Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I’m choking laughing omfg ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
I just made bacon for dessert, Iโm not in the mood to be trifled with
โMy therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,โ I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who canโt spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I canโt wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah Iโm not sure
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Bloody internet ๐ณ
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I donโt even like you that much anymore.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…