Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Me: *dramatic deep sigh*
Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud
Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.