@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

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@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@justokpanda

Nobody:

Me: *dramatic deep sigh*

Nobody:

Me: I just feel bad, you’re the best cat and I gave you a stupid name. I love you so much, bud

Nobody: [purrs]

@TheMichaelRock

Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.

@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

@Thynebear

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

@UnFitz

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

@Cpin42

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

@krisv_723

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.