Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

he chose this

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!