Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.
How do you apologize properly for something like that?
Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
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Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.
The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…
I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Me: *sobs uncontrollably
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids