@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

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@TheDairylandDon

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

@QuiteQuietOne

The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?

@ErrenMichaels

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

@CamusOverEasy

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

@ArfMeasures

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

@CornOnTheGoblin

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

@mstluvstrinkets

On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.