Forget Klondike, you should see what I’d do for an open bar.
Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m trying, but all the Liam Neeson jokes are taken.
LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*