@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

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@Jandalize

Forget Klondike, you should see what I’d do for an open bar.

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@jellybnbonanza

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

@joeljeffrey

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

@MykaFox

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

@trojansauce

LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no

@fillthevacuum

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

@dave_cactus

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*