Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

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Forget Klondike, you should see what I’d do for an open bar.


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.


When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.


I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.


How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong


LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off


Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.


…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*