To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
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Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At 8:00 AM.
In the snack food aisle.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“I HAVE OTHERS”
[just loses it]
On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.