@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

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@InsouciantMan

Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.

How do you apologize properly for something like that?

@KoKeniSasquatch

Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.

@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…

@Sarcasticsapien

I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

@theshamingofjay

Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real
Me: Yea
Dad: There’s one more thing
Me: Don’t say it
Dad: Retirement
Me: *sobs uncontrollably

@susie_qsie

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

@fro_vo

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

@Token_Geezer

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids