SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
*3.5 thank you very much.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Breaking news:
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.