@ThatBucketList

summer goals vs reality

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@Storminika

Me: ‘Why are you going through my phone?’

BF: ‘Do you have something to hide?’

Me: ‘I’m gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.’

@dafloydsta

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

@Gupton68

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

@atDevin

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

@rdm_guy

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

@NewDadNotes

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

@Spaziotwat

[1873]

Scientist: [*exits time machine*] “I did it! I visited the future”

Assistant: “What was it like?”

Scientist: “Do you like staring at rectangles?”

@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
? O
? ? ? O
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.