me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
😆this is so true
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Spring of Deception
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?