Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
LMAO