Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.