@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

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@FuckabillyRex

I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

@PaperWash

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

@WhiteBoyBubz

Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”

@Mr_Kapowski

[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@NervousJr

How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.

@WilliamRodgers

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

@Cain_Unable

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

@prufrockluvsong

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely