Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

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Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.


That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?


A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.


Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.


POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets?

ME: they’re medicinal


Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.