@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

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@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

@SnizzleFrizzle

My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

@ValeeGrrl

POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets?

ME: they’re medicinal

@JediGigi

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.