@DrakeGatsby

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

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@rockymomax

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

@ArfMeasures

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

@HiddleDeeDee

The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

@beefman138

Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.

@Mr_Kapowski

[spooning]

Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”

@Incilin

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

@illiter8too

Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.

@QwertyJones3

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”