Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

You Might Also Like


COP: drop the gun


COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no


[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks


The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.


Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.



Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”


Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up


I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?


Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.


“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”