*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.