[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.