[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.