I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Stop.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them