@noog: sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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@iinkedZombie: Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?! Wife: An uncontested divorce
@thenoahkinsey: I peeled off the sticker that said "Don't consume alcohol while on medication." I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
@TheHyyyype: flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode optimus prime: i can only do "truck"