@noog

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

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@DarthSteveus

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@eff_yeah_steph

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

@ddrwg

All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that