[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.