Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.