Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*